Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Hurting Myself With Love

It is so hard to lose weight, would we all agree, Ladies? I am in a bad situation where I have no drive or determination to lose weight. I know I should lose weight for health reasons. I am a little more than 100 pounds over weight. I know that at my age, almost 40, I am just asking for something very scary to happen. Yet, I do nothing.
I eat because I am happy..."I am celebrating". I eat because I am sad..."You are going through a rough time, you deserve it." I eat because I am angry..."There, this will teach them!" I eat because I am bored..."Nothing better to do." I eat because I am typing this post..."I can think better on a full stomach." Can anyone relate?
There was a time, last year, when I lost 26 pounds. It was during a Biggest Loser season which usually always inspires me. I was walking on my treadmill, had subscribed to BiggestLoser.com, kept a food journal and made right food choices.
Biggest Loser is on again, matter of fact in it's 6th week, and I have only watched about 4 weeks of it. I am avoiding it because I feel ashamed that I have not done anything about my weight. It is bad enough I haven't lost anything, but now I am gaining! Will my "wake-up" call be a heart attack? Diabetes?
I am watching Biggest Loser tonight, and tearing up in parts, like I always do, and my 14 year old daughter says, "Mom, I am making you a surprise, so don't come out in the kitchen." She had made me brownies, bless her heart. That is just one way she shows me she loves me, she makes me my favorite things: brownies, banana bread, Kraft Mac N Cheese, grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, ramen noodles, cookies, cakes, Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls, etc.
Now, I have THE best daughter in the world! You may think you do, but I do! My daughter will clean the whole housefor me so I don't have to. She will do the dishes, laundry and sweep the floor for me. She can do any household chore. She can cook a handful of meals, and loves to bake. She is my right hand, which leaves me feeling guilty many times. She is very observant. If she thinks I am stressing, she will always try to fix it. If her brothers are upset, she is trying to calm them. She is the ultimate people pleaser. She is loving, funny, beautiful, selfless and compassionate. She gives a mean "Ped Egg" session with lotion! When I was pregnant, she created "Night Spa". This was her re-creation of what she thinks a spa treatment would be...candles, music, etc. But her favorite thing is to make me a sweet treat. It makes her feel special inside and beams when I "oooo" and "ahhhh" over them. See, told you I had THE best daughter!
So I am sitting there tonight, watching Biggest Loser, and thinking I need to start, I need to do this. Next thing I know, a hot brownie is placed in front of me. I "oooo" and "ahhh" and she beams. How do I tell her she needs to stop? Making me a salad just doesn't have the same effect!
It is time for so many things. Time for she and I to have a talk about mommy's emotional eating. Time for mommy to get it together before something happens and I leave this young woman and her brothers. Time to be on my knees asking my Father for forgiveness for being in sin about my eating for so long. Time to ask my Saviour for help in breaking these habits. Time to stop hurting myself with"love".


Catherine at NurturingHope.com said...

This is such an achingly honest post :) Brava!

Anonymous said...

I feel with you. I've been telling myself to lose weight for several years now. I did it once before through Weight Watchers and got within 5 pounds of my goal weight. That was 6 years ago. Now I just can't seem to get motivated to do it again. What motivated me before does nothing for me now. May God give both of us the ambition and strength to do what's right for our health and children.

Tonya said...

Thank you so much Catherine. I really appreciate your comment.

Tonya said...

Anonymous, I will be praying for you, for we are soooo not alone. Please stay in touch! Maybe we could encourage each other!

Shelley said...

I am a little teary eyed because I can completely relate. I have at least 50 pounds that I need to lose. And I'm not doing a thing about it. I know I should. But I don't. The father of one of our friends passes away a few years ago and I kept thinking "I don't want this to be me. I don't want to leave our kids behind because I couldn't control my eating and health." Yet I somehow lose that motivation.

Your daughter sounds like such a sweet girl! You've obviously done a great job raising her!